BRINGING UP BABY, BRITNEY STYLE
HOW not to raise a child, by Britney Spears

Even when being chased by the paparazzi, it might be better to use the baby seat for your little one, instead of your lap.

Byline: By MANDY STADTMILLER
Date: March 16, 2006
Publication: New York Post

The latest report? She changed Junior's diaper in the middle of a busy restaurant. According to Britain's News of the World newspaper, one diner said, "It was disgusting. Someone else has got to eat at that table. Yuck." But then the manager noted, "It's Britney Spears. What can we do?"

Yes, everyone's favorite sit-in-my-lap-so-you-can-see-over-the-steering-wheel mommy is blundering her way through parenting the same way she attacks a major chord: shakily.

So, in the interest of preserving Kevin Federline's progeny, we've decided to offer Britney - and every young mother with a major label recording contract, really - a little old-fashioned parenting advice.

Rule No. 1: Don't throw out the baby with the bath water.

That means literally, Britney.

Seriously. Be careful with that.

"New moms tend to get what I call 'baby brain,'" says parenting expert Jan Butsch, author of "Just a Stage," a story-filled tome about raising kids in the age of MTV, ADD and, of course, Miss Oops! ... She Did It Again. "Trying to do too many things at once can make you somewhat spacey or lose focus, and you can easily end up doing a lot of stupid things."

Sound familiar, Mrs. F?

"Stop and think for a second," Butsch says. "Ask yourself, 'Is this the best thing I could do?'"

Which leads us to Rule No. 2: Avoid toxic (losing-your-head, spinnin' round and round, do you feel me now?)-type situations.

"That's just disgusting," says Butsch of the reputed diaper-changing incident. "It doesn't matter if you can change a diaper in 87 seconds flat. Don't do it."

To reiterate this point, that means anywhere. Even gas stations that seem especially sanitary or might inspire you to go shoeless.

Rule No. 3: U R a slave 4 ur baby - not 4 ur Starbucks fix.

"After you become a mom, you can't be the center of your own universe," Butsch emphasizes. "There is no room for making errors."

Rule No. 4: Ask your supportive, thoughtful husband to be the strong emotional, financial and spiritual rock he is known to be and which you have chosen him as a life partner for specifically because of those qualities.

Oh, sorry.

Rule No. 5: Find a church group or something.

"It's important to have other people in your life that you can totally trust," Butsch says. "You can meet moms at the local park and lots of places."

Like the next time you make out with someone at the VMAs.

And finally, Rule No. 6: Being curious is a good thing.

Terrible scent, Curious - wafting of way too much fruity Louisiana bloom - but an excellent personal attribute.

"Never be afraid to ask other new moms," Butsch says. "We have training in how to drive a car, but there's no training involved in having a baby."

And putting the two together can really make a girl's head swim.

mandy.stadtmiller@nypost.com